


Atonement

by aimeewrites



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Punishment, Slavery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:34:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25863688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aimeewrites/pseuds/aimeewrites
Summary: First contact has gone very well - Voyager is in need of supplies and the Felicians are happy to provide them. And then it all goes terribly wrong, and Janeway takes the blame.  Justice is harsh on Felix . What will become of her ? Is it really the end of the voyage for her?
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 5
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

An M- class planet. Finally. Voyager had been limping along for the last two months, dangerously low on supplies and on deuterium. The crew tried to soldier on as best as they could but everyone was all exhausted – several hostile attacks had also damaged the shields and parts of the ship, and sleep had been scarce. As usual, in times like that, Janeway wondered whether she was right in trying to get her crew home. Maybe they should just settle on a planet like the one that had appeared on the sensors. Maybe it would be better for all of them. After three years, should one give up hope?

“Bridge to Captain Janeway”

“Yes, Chakotay – what is it?”

“We have more information on the planet. I suggest trying to establish first contact.”

“On my way.”

Poor Chakotay – when Janeway doubted her wisdom, she knew she tended to withdraw into herself, freezing the others out. He was unhappy about that, and she couldn’t blame him. Let’s hope this planet would help.

When she arrived on the bridge, she found the crew in a high state of expectancy. Harry Kim, in particular, was eager to tell her everything they had discovered about the planet. Pre-warp civilisation comparable to 19th or 20th century Earth, humanoid lifeforms, breathable atmosphere – everything seemed fine. Maybe we had got the break we had all been waiting for. As we neared the planet, I ordered him to try and open a com link with a surface, sending our usual message of good will and demand for assistance. A few minutes later, after a little static, a blurry shape appeared on the screen. After a few adjustments, it cleared into three people - humanoid, but with violet skin, a little taller than humans, and a face very like a cat’s face without the fur– pointed ears on the top of the head, round eyes on a flatish face and small triangular nose, clad in long beige tunics.

“Welcome to Felix, strangers. I am Felidae, Queen of the Felicians. We are not used to having visitors, but we will try our best to be of assistance. How did you find us?”

“I’m Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the Federation ship Voyager. It’s a long story…”

In a few short sentences, Janeway presented her ship and explained the circumstances – not the whole thing, of course – just that they were peaceful explorers seventy thousand miles from home and in need of supplies. In turn, the queen introduced the two people standing next to her – her prime minister and an ambassador. Her speech was slow and measured, as if she was weighting each word in her mind, but the content of what she was saying was encouraging. Janeway feels herself relax a little – they would get what they needed. They could send an away team. Actually, she was herself invited to meet with the queen.

Less than an hour later, Janeway, Tom Paris, Harry Kim and Tuvok landed the shuttle on Felix. The planet was disconcerting – it looked a lot like Earth, except for the colours – most of the vegetation was either blue or yellow, and the sky was … well, greener, yellower than Earth’s blue skies. The shuttle landed not far from the city and as the younger members of the team explored the environment with their tricorders, Janeway breathed deeply. Some of the natives milled around, looking at them with half-bored, half-amused, very cat-like expressions. No sign of aggression or fear, just - placidity

“So far, so good”, commented Tom.

“They seem indeed quite welcoming, but we should remain on our guard.”

Tuvok – always careful. He was right, of course, but Janeway had a good feeling about that planet. A few minutes later, two of these natives, wearing blue tunics, arrived to lead them to the queen.

*****

How could something that had begun so well end up so terribly, terribly wrong? But she really could not do otherwise – it was for Voyager. Her sacrifice would be a small price to pay for the freedom of the rest of the crew. Anyway, she was responsible – she had ordered the recovery mission that had rescued two members of the away team but killed two natives in the process. The phasers that had freed Ensigns Jones and Thomson from the cavern they had been stuck into had somehow set off an earthquake, and the fact that the two natives, two little boys, had been in the wrong place at the wrong time was irrelevant. She was responsible, and she had to pay the price – they had broken the Prime directive enough, she couldn’t just escape her punishment – after all, Starfleet rules stated that they had to obey native laws as well. As if the death of two children didn’t already weigh heavily on her conscience…

The door to her ready room buzzed and she turned mechanically to the door. “Come in!” Janeway took a deep breath and prepared to face the mountain of indignation and rage that was Chakotay.

“Commander – I entrust Voyager to you – my orders are for you to assume the position of captain and to get this crew home.”

Her voice was steady – almost. Her eyes steely. Only her hands shook slightly, to her horror, and she clasped them together so as to hide it.

“You’re not serious, Kathryn? You don’t actually think we’re going to leave you on some god-forsaken planet in the Delta Quadrant because of some bullshit laws and some stupid accident?”

He had stopped about two feet from her, standing almost at attention, fists balled up, his usually calm face radiating anger and disapproval.

“I do. Because you are. I’ll be… I’ll be fine.”

She had no idea whether she would be fine or not. The truth was, she had no idea what was going to happen to her. After her “trial” – or rather, the audience with the queen and one of the magistrates of Felix, where she had admitted being responsible for the earth tremor, for the accident and declared she would take the blame, she had been left free to go back to Voyager and say her goodbyes. She had, however, no doubt the tracking bracelet attached to her ankle was worth more than her word of honour that she would return to the planet. If she tried to escape, Queen Felidae would order an attack on Voyager. During the five days they had spent on Felix, they had discovered some of the most unsavoury aspects of the Felixian civilisation. Notably, that although they seemed to live without many Earth comforts, they had a remarkably advanced arsenal of weapons. And that their law ordered that when an individual committed a crime against someone or caused harm to another individual, the culprit was given to the wronged individual as a slave. Therefore, she was going to be given to the father of the two dead boys.

“You’ll be fine. Because you’re not going back there. B’Elanna will find a way to deactivate that thing, and you’re coming with us, Kathryn.”

“Commander – listen to me very carefully.” Janeway gave each of her words its own emphasis. “I – am – going – back.” She steeled herself for what she had to do, what she had to say, knowing she would hurt him with her hard tone and seemingly callous behaviour. “You are going to let me go and leave. That’s an order.” She knew her whole crew was horrified. Even Tuvok, who could see the logic in her decision and who respected the fact she was obeying Starfleet’s directives, had tried to dissuade her. Harry Kim had pleaded with her not to do it. Tom Paris had offered to take her place, arguing he had been the one who’d fired the phasers. She didn’t know how she would be able to leave them. But Chakotay…Well, she knew he would fight until the last minute to keep her with them, and it was more than she could bear.

“Now, leave me, Commander. I need a few minutes on my own before I address the crew.”

She turned her back to him, facing the glass panel opening on the sky, and as an afterthought, added a small : “Dismissed”. Because he couldn’t think she would break. She couldn’t let him know how close she was to tears, how she wished she could bury into his arms and never let go.


	2. Chapter 2

“Captain on the bridge!”

They all stood up when she came in. No one, however, could meet her eyes, except Tuvok. She envied his Vulcan composure. From the moment she had realised they were stranded in the Delta Quadrant, Janeway had known that one day she might have to do that. Sacrifice herself for her crew. Hell, she had known since Command School, maybe since the day she had decided to pursue command instead of science. But somehow, she’d never imagined that scenario. She had thought she would order her crew into escape pods and remain on her bridge until her vessel self-destructed or was destroyed. This was… Well, better, she supposed – they had more chance of getting home on Voyager. As for herself… In her quarters, she had allowed herself a brief moment of weakness and wept convulsively for everything and everyone she would never see again. Earth. Her family. And her Voyager family. And then she had slipped her command mask on again, schooled her features into impassibility and stepped out of her ready room for the last time, in her pristine uniform, not a lock of hair astray. These cosmetic details gave her strength. She walked to the centre of the bridge and stood looking at the crew.

“I want to tell you it’s been an honour serving as your captain. Please give Commander Chakotay the same respect and trust you’ve always given me. I have every faith in him – he will get you home. Good luck.”

She couldn’t say more – she could hear some of the crew members crying, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to hold her own tears much longer. She fixed her eyes on Chakotay’s, willing him to look at her and he did. Black eyes met blue and she tried to say everything she couldn’t tell him with a look.

*****

Time was up. She had changed into a simple loose red dress and was waiting for the Felicians to beam her to the planet. She had been warned she could not bring any of her possessions and so she just stood there, empty-handed, alone. For the last time, she had used her command codes to forbid entry to the room. She felt the familiar sensation of a transporter beam and for a few seconds, knew no more.

She landed in a courtyard attached to the palace where she was immediately surrounded by two guards who attached a small device to her ankle bracelet. A few seconds later, the queen appeared.

“I am glad you honoured our agreement, Janeway. It would have been most disagreeable for your ship and your people otherwise.”

“I’m not used to not keeping my word”, replied Janeway quietly, thankful that the Felicians had language-translating technology.

The queen nodded, not dignifying her with a verbal answer.

“You’ll now be taken to your master. He is the Claw of the Kitari region, a powerful man. You would be wise to obey him.”

On the queen’s signal, the two guards looped a rope around Janeway’s wrists, dragging them behind her back, and tugged her forward. Her scientific mind couldn’t help wondering at the Felicians’ society paradox. On one hand, they were highly advanced, and on the other hand, they were almost medieval. The guards set a fast pace and she struggled to follow them. She tried to take in as much of her environment as possible – anything to keep her from thinking about her fate. Once, she raised her head towards the sky and saw what she had both expected and dreaded – Voyager was no longer in orbit. They were on their way back home – her orders had been obeyed. A small part of her had to admit that until she had seen that empty sky, she had believed that somehow her fate had not been sealed. That she would be rescued. Or that everything had been a nightmare. Or a time lapse – or anything else.

After about two hours, Janeway and her escorts arrived at what would be a large house by Earth’s standards, built in a stone-like material. She was now shivering, the climate having changed from almost balmy to near wintery during their trek – something else they hadn’t noticed during their first visit. She was pushed forward into a large dark room, lit by two huge torches, where sat a Felician, clad in a beige robe like the queen. Like hers, his was embroidered and beaded. He was taller than the queen and the guards by more than a head and his bulky figure reminded her of Chakotay. No – she couldn’t think about him. But for just a second, she comforted herself with memories of New Earth – with how she had been stranded there too, but not alone, and how different it had been. She had to…

“You’d do well not to make me repeat myself, woman.”

She fell to the ground, unable to soften the impact with her still bound hands, biting her tongue to keep herself from crying out. Lost in her thoughts, she hadn’t seen the Claw rise, come to her and backhand her in the face. She hadn’t heard a word of what he’d been saying, either. From her prone position on the floor, she looked up at him, only to be slapped again and told to lower her eyes. She forced herself to remember she was responsible for the death of the Claw’s sons, and therefore that he had every right to be angry with her. Maybe it was a fair punishment for all her transgressions as well – for stranding innocent men and women in the Delta Quadrant and robbing them of their lives. For having too often walked on the line of the Prime Directive and sometimes trodden on the wrong side. Nonetheless, the concept of belonging to anyone was – abominable. So completely alien to her that her mind had difficulties getting around it. She heard the Claw address someone who’d just come in and guessed he or she must be a servant.

“Take her to the kitchen – she might as well make herself useful.”

His rough hand – the Felicians had human hands but with retractile claws instead of nails – cupped her chin and raised her face to his. “And maybe she can make herself useful in other ways too… We’ll see. For now, take her away!” He strode away and another Felician – smaller, with a slighter figure – came towards her. This person wore a simple blue tunic and when she spoke, the translator identified her as female: “Get up and follow me.” Janeway scrambled to her feet and let herself be led away from the room.


	3. Chapter 3

On Voyager, the mood was grim, tempers frayed. Chakotay paced in the ready room like a bear in a cage, still unable and unwilling to accept leaving his captain behind. Harry Kim went about his duties like a robot, B’Elanna snapped at her team and occasionally kicked reluctant machinery and even Tom Paris’ usual smiling face was dour. Neelix hid away in the kitchen, his meals blander and more unpalatable than usual, Kes had retreated into herself, only talking to the Doctor and Tuvok spent as many hours as possible meditating in his quarters. Finally, after a week of this regimen, Chakotay went to seek Tuvok’s council. He couldn’t confide in any of the younger officers and he already knew what B’Elanna thought about the whole situation, for she had confronted him with her opinion several times already – they should go back to the planet on the double and send an away team to retrieve the captain.

When Chakotay came into Tuvok’s quarters, he found them in semi-darkness. Tuvok sat on the floor, cross-legged, and it felt natural to Chakotay to sit opposite him, mimicking his position. He had appealed to his ancestors in that same pose more than once in the previous week but unfortunately they had remained silent. The two men sat for a while in silence before Chakotay started to talk.

“We need to get her back, Tuvok.”

The Vulcan’s measured tones contrasted with the anger in Chakotay’s voice: “I agree with you, Commander. But Captain Janeway would not thank us. She believes she is doing her duty. Moreover, may I remind you that she herself pleaded guilty and accepted her sentence, and that in doing so she also obeyed Starfleet’s rule of cooperating with local law authorities?”

Chakotay hit the floor with his fist: “In the Alpha Quadrant, Tuvok! Those rules are true in the Alpha Quadrant – where people are… Civilised!” 

He cringed a little as he was saying that, for he knew full well some of the civilisations in the Alpha Quadrant were no more merciful than the Felicians, and that it was not so long ago that his own people had been hunted down and killed or thrown into reservations.

“I believe the only way to rescue the captain would be to prove she was not responsible for the death of those two children.”

Chakotay stared at Tuvok, for this was something B’Elanna had said too: “Anyway, how could those phasers have started that earthquake? That’s ridiculous.”

“You’re right, Tuvok, but…”

“We must therefore concentrate our efforts on proving the captain’s innocence. We should probably try not to travel too quickly away in the meantime.”

“You don’t think the crew will want to go on ? Towards home I mean.”

Tuvok’s eyebrows rose and Chakotay knew he had said something stupid.

“I do not believe so, Commander. They are very much disturbed by the current situation and although they are willing to follow your leadership, they are still much attached to Captain Janeway.”

“Thank you, Tuvok. You are right – there must be a scientific explanation, a scientific proof of Kathryn’s innocence. I’ll give the orders and ask B’Elanna and the engineering team to focus on that earthquake.”

*******

Huddled uncomfortably on what had become her bed – a straw mattress in a small dark room – Janeway hugged herself to try and keep warm. Kitha, the servant who had been in charge of her from the day of her arrival had taken pity on her and given her an old shawl, but it didn’t help much against the biting cold. The girl – in human years, probably about sixteen – had also told her that this was the warm season. Janeway wondered whether she would survive during the cold season. Or whether she really wanted to survive at all. She wouldn’t take her own life – she had almost done it once before, after her father and Justin’s death but a stray puppy had managed to keep her from ending it all. Once she had come back home, the puppy’s faintly beating heart against her own, she had done some soul searching and realised that she would have caused irredeemable pain to those she would have left behind. Technically, though, she had no one anymore, so… And yet there was something in her – her pride, probably – which told her to resist, to keep enduring the hardships being heaped upon her.

At first, she had tried to be philosophical about her situation – after all, her favourite holodeck program enabled her to be a servant in Victorian times. This lasted for a day or two, until she realised reality was nothing than holofiction, a scullery maid’s job nothing like a governess’ and her new master nothing like Lord Burleigh. What she was experiencing was colonial America, when her Irish ancestors might well have come as slaves too – she didn’t know enough about her family to be sure of that fact but she vaguely remembered some history lessons in high school. She tried to accept her situation as a just sentence, but that was too hard to swallow. The fact that she was better suited for command than for domestic work did not make her predicament any easier. Granted, she had been raised in a traditionalist family, but they had 24th-century appliances – she was not used to scrubbing floors or pots. She was not used to serving, unless it was serving Starfleet Command.

The Claw had three other servants – Kitha, Jagui, a man who served as butler, and Pantha, the cook. As far as she’d been able to tell, they were free to come and go as they pleased and to order her about. And to beat her, although only the two senior servants and the master availed themselves of the privilege. From the first day on, whether she did what she was ordered to do or not, she had felt the lash – it hung in the kitchen, but she had only noticed it when wielded by the “butler”, it had come down on her back, leaving angry red welts. That first time, she had been so stunned she hadn’t reacted, paralysed by the suddenness of the chastisement. The second time, she had rebelled, asked what she had done wrong and tried to escape the blows – Jagui had stripped her and brought her to the master, half-naked, and the Claw had administered an even harsher beating. Her back had taken the brunt of it, but her breasts and the fragile skin of her legs had been shredded by the lash. She could endure physical pain, but what she feared the most was the Claw’s veiled threat on her arrival – maybe she could make herself useful in other ways too…


	4. Chapter 4

The sun was shining, high above the corn fields of Indiana. She was lying on the grass, in the shade, near her thinking tree – the one place she went to escape her parents and her younger sister Phoebe. She was dreaming of the future – when she would go to Starfleet Academy, when she would make her father proud. As Janeway was roughly shaken awake, she groaned: “No, Phoebe – leave me alone…” The shaking became more violent and Janeway jerked awake, her eyes flickering open, slowly taking in her surroundings – no tree, no corn fields. Just the bare, dust-floored, dark room near the kitchen and Kitha urging her to get up. Janeway closed her eyes again for a second or two, trying to reclaim the illusion of her dream, but it was too late. The magic had been broken. Her sleep hadn’t even brought her solace – although the Felicians appeared to be an idle people – they spent a lot of time each day just doing nothing – this privilege was not extended to the servants and nor, of course, to the slaves. She was allowed very little sleep and felt exhausted. When she was handed a bowl of something hot and smelling rather good, Janeway blinked – was she still dreaming, after all? But no, she wasn’t – she cautiously brought the bowl to her lips and sipped – it tasted like vegetable soup, and helped warm her up. “Thank you”, she murmured, almost startled at the sound of her own voice. No one talked to her, except to bark orders, and she hadn’t spoken since her first days as a slave. Actually, even orders were usually given in the shape of blows, and she was usually woken up by a sharp kick in the ribs.

She had been able to learn a little more about the household by listening to the other servants’ conversations. She rarely saw the Claw, although plenty of visitors came and went, several of them women who stayed for one or two nights only. She had discovered that although Jagui and Pantha were, as she had thought, servants and dedicated to their master, showing the same apparent streak of cruelty, Kitha shared her predicament. She was younger than Janeway had thought her to be – only thirteen – and had been given to the Claw by her father in compensation for his unpaid debts. Because she was Felician, she was not abused as much as Janeway, but fear oozed of her, and it made the former captain sick to be unable to protect her. The girl reminded her of Kes and that morning, it was obvious she was terrified.

“What’s wrong, Kitha?” tried Janeway softly, getting up and walking towards the large sink where a mountain of dishes had accumulated. Her head spun and she suddenly felt faint, grabbing the rim of the sink to stop herself from falling. She realised that the broth had been the only nourishment she had had for almost two days. Pantha came into the room, glancing at her scornfully and she hurriedly steadied herself and started on the dishes, not daring to wait for an answer from Kitha. It wasn’t until the afternoon, when they both found themselves scrubbing the floor in one of the guest quarters, than the girl, first checking that they were alone, answered: “The guests have all gone and tonight I am to be with the Claw… I’m… I’m scared. It’s… It’s the first time.” Janeway half-rose and put her hand on the girl’s arm – she found nothing comforting to say. She understood the girl’s terror, and it appalled her that she couldn’t do anything about it, that she was powerless and would have to witness such an horrific act. She could remember her own first time – she hadn’t been forced, exactly, but it hadn’t been completely consensual either. She had been so excited when Cheb Packer had asked her out at the begin of their senior year. She definitely wasn’t one of the most popular girl – she wasn’t a nerd, but there were so many girls prettier than her, or more clever than her…At sixteen and never been kissed, it had felt like a dream when after a few movies and coke dates he had invited her for a real diner. To a real restaurant. He had even brought her flowers – roses, her favourites. He had ordered real wine – not synthetol – with his fake id, and although she hadn’t much liked the taste of it, she had drunk it because she wanted him to think she was sophisticated… Grown-up. When he had suggested they go back to his place – Cheb’s parents were away that night – she had demurred at first, knowing her parents would flip if she missed her curfew, but seeing his face frown in displeasure, she had finally agreed, reminding herself how lucky she was to be dating the captain of the Parrises squares team. At his place, he had offered her another drink – it was sweeter than the wine, tasted a little like blackberry syrup and vanilla, and she had drank one glass, and then another. When he had begun to caress her breasts under her tee shirt, she had let him – what harm would it do…And when he had taken her tee-shirt off and his fingers had wandered under her skirt, she had started to protest, but by then it was too late. He had overpowered her and even though he had apologised as he was driving her home, she hadn’t been able to stop crying. By an extraordinary unfortunate chain of circumstances, as the admiral spent more time in San Francisco than at home in those days, her father had been at home and when she had tried to tiptoed unnoticed upstairs, he had called her from his office. She had been severely reprimanded for being more than three hours past curfew and grounded for a month. The whole evening had been such an utter shambles that it had taken her months to get over it, and several years before she had allowed herself to fall in love again.

Later that evening, after a meagre supper of another bowl of soup and something which tasted a little like bread, Jagui came into the kitchen. He usually had supper by himself and Kitha immediately paled, understanding he had come to fetch her. Her eyes widened in fear and Janeway stood up, imagining for a wild moment that she could stop the man from taking her. But even with all her Academy training in martial arts, she knew she was no match for him in her weakened state. He glared at her and threw her to the floor with one blow. When she slowly got up, noticing quite detachedly she had blood trickling down her cheek, they had gone. Suddenly, rage surged through her and she ran through the corridors, flinging the Claw’s room’s door open just as she heard Kitha cry out.

*****

B’Elanna sprinted out the engineering lab, leaving Harry Kim to tail behind her. Of course the turbolift took minutes to arrive and by the time they arrived on the bridge, she was almost hopping up and down. Chakotay glanced up as she irrupted into the room and she forced herself to speak in a calm voice as she asked to see him in the ready room. She didn’t want to raise the crew’s hope falsely, but…

“We’ve got it, Chakotay! It’s Harry – he found it – the asteroid!”

“Calm down, B’Elanna. Mr. Kim, maybe you should explained, since you seem a little more collected than Ms Torres here, and since apparently it’s your discovery."

Harry Kim started to speak: “Well, sir, we were looking at the sky chart from the day of the earthquake and…”

B’Elanna interrupted him: “There was an asteroid! It landed at the almost exact same time as we used our phaser. 0.004 seconds, to be precise. It caused the earthquake – we have proof – we retraced its trajectory and…”

Chakotay embraced her in a bear hug. Then he released her and shook Harry’s hand vigorously.

“Thank you, both of you – this is – a huge discovery. Now let’s get back to Felix and get our captain back where she belongs!”

And let’s hope she’s still alive, he added to himself. 


	5. Chapter 5

The room bathed in shadows but there was no mistaken what Janeway saw when she came into the Claw’s bedchamber. Kitha’s tunic had been thrown on the floor and she was naked and crying in the Claw’s fierce grip. Janeway knew she couldn’t overpower him. There was nothing she could use as a weapon, and no one who could help. All she knew as that she had to do something. She wouldn’t let him do that to a child. So she did the unthinkable – what she would never have done in any other circumstances. What took her more strength than to fight a thousand Felicians, a thousand Kazons. What she would be ashamed to admit to anyone, but no one would ever know, because there would be no one to tell. She threw herself at the Claw’s feet and begged.

He glowered at her with anger and disdain but she persisted. She offered herself to him, hoping he would let Kitha go. Knowing that they were both at his mercy, and that she had very little chance of succeeding. But she did. As he ripped off her clothes, she closed her eyes and her mind and abandoned herself to her sacrifice.

*****

Chakotay was surprised the queen had granted him an audience – gratified, but surprised. He landed on the planet with Harry Kim, opting to keep Voyager out of transporter range. If he wasn’t convincing enough, if the queen thought they were lying, she might well turn her wrath on Voyager, and he would have lost everything, Kathryn and her ship. And if by any chance the mission turned ill-fated, Tuvok would captain the ship and take it back to the Alpha Quadrant.

Queen Felidae received them with little warmth, but she listened to them attentively and Chakotay’s hopes began to rise. After Harry had presented his findings, the queen looked pensive.

“A miscarriage of justice. I had not thought it would happen under my reign, but if my scientists agree with your findings, the case will be annulled and your countrywoman will be released.

It took every ounce of Chakotay’s willpower to remain calm and not to sneer that maybe the verdict had been hasty and unjust in the first place. Harry left to confer with a science team, knowing that his captain’s fate depended on him. Chakotay had considered bringing B’Elanna, not wanting to put too heavy a burden on the young ensign’s shoulders, but he had finally decided that B’Elanna’s temper, especially in those circumstances, might get the better of her and jettison the mission. Harry Kim straightened his shoulders as he followed the Felician scientist out of the room. He would make his captain proud – he would save her.

Left alone with the queen and a few guards, Chakotay accepted a drink, not wanting to offend her, but his mind was fully on Kathryn. How was she? Where was she? Would they get her back?

****

Janeway was sinking. She tried to swim but the current was dragging her to the bottom of the sea and she couldn’t fight anymore. She was drowning. She was hurting. All over. Drowning in pain. And it was cold – so, so cold – maybe she was dying along her father and Justin in that shuttle crash, long ago – maybe ice would engulf her, maybe…

A voice – deep into the abyss. A voice she thought she recognised. “Kathryn! Oh my God! Kathryn!” She must be dead. She had no idea death would be like that – after all, there was an afterlife. She must tell Starfleet – the futurologists would be fascinated. But she wouldn’t be able to, because she was dead – that was the whole mystery, after all – if dead people could tell the living, there wouldn’t be a mystery anymore. And suddenly she felt warm . And no more pain. And just nothing.

*****

He had had to let her go to pilot the shuttle back to Voyager, but she was etched in her mind. Kathryn. Captain Kathryn Janeway, a small human bundle shivering on a thin bed of straw, beads of sweat and blood dried up on her half-naked body, unaware that she had been rescued. His Kathryn. He had never told her, but now she had returned to him, he would, Starfleet protocol and ranks to hell.

When the Felician court of law had ruled in favour of Janeway’s innocence in the death of the two small boys, the queen had ordered her immediate release and offered a formal apology. Chakotay had half-listened to the apology – too little, too late. And then she had told them where to find Janeway, sending a guard with them. Not waiting for the guard to introduce them, he and Harry had stormed into the house and located their captain. What remained of her. As they had carried her to the shuttle, the ankle bracelet she was wearing had fallen off, and Harry had kicked it away, sending it flying into the bushes. He was scared – he looked up to Janeway and the husk of a woman lying in Chakotay’s arms felt light-years away from the strong, competent woman who despite protocol didn’t want to be called “sir”. She had challenged several of his beliefs during the three years he had spent on her crew, and she had helped him grow. He was afraid she would never help him again, afraid he wouldn’t be able to help her.

As he piloted the Delta Flyer back to Voyager, Chakotay paged the Doctor and Tuvok, telling them what little he knew: “We’ve got the captain, but she’s unresponsive and… Just stand by, Doctor, I’ll beam her to sickbay as soon as we arrive.”

****

When she came to, the first faces she saw, bent over her body, looked familiar. Chakotay and the Doctor. Oh yes, she was dead – well, the afterlife was better than what she had expected. Fingers stroked her arm, and she heard the voice again. Chakotay’s voice. “You’re safe, love. You’re home, Kathryn. Back on Voyager.” She slowly extended her hand and touched his face. It felt warm. It felt real – so maybe she wasn’t dead after all. She opened her eyes wider and looked around her – she was in sickbay. She was back on Voyager. “What happened, Commander?” , she murmured, before relapsing into an exhausted sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Janeway’s hands shook slightly as she attached her pips on her freshly-replicated uniform in front of the mirror. She has been released from Felix three days previously, and from sickbay a few moments ago, and the first thing she had done once back in her quarters had been to get dressed. The constricting nature of the garments usually irked her, but this time, she noticed the jacket and trousers hung loose on her petite frame – if she didn’t gain weight back quickly, she would have to replicate a smaller size. The strain of her ordeal was still etched on her face, and as she caressed her mouth with her well-worn red lipstick, she wondered whether she was doing the right thing. Maybe she should just leave the ship in Chakotay’s hands. But if she did, if she abdicated, she would be giving up her life – because only her doing duty could help her now. She had nothing of herself left – only her captain’s armour, heavily back on her shoulders, protecting an empty shell. She sighed deeply and straightening her already ramrod-straight shoulders, she stepped out of her quarters and walked to the turbolift.

“Captain on the bridge!”

Janeway stopped in the doorframe, suddenly light-headed and overwhelmed. Swallowing hard several times, she cleared her throat, trying to find her voice. All the alpha shift and several other members of the crew were on the bridge, looking at her, standing at attention. She desperately wanted a smile to form on her lips, but it just wouldn’t appear, and she had to be satisfied with blinking back her tears and steadying her voice just enough to say “As you were”. The postures relaxed, and in a unexpected gesture, everyone began to clap. Janeway felt her cheeks redden and as she hurried to take her seat, she stated: “Mr Chakotay, report!” making her voice as commanding as possible and effectively stopping the applause.

Chakotay looked at the captain. She didn’t look well – she was still deadly pale, her lips set in a straight line, and her eyes staring fixedly at the viewscreen. She had probably talked the doctor into letting her out of sickbay too early. He knew, thought, that the residual damage was inside, and that all the dermoregenerators and the tricorders in the world couldn’t fix her. Since her return, she hadn’t said more than ten words to him, except to enquire about the well-being of the crew and the state of the ship. She had refused all visits except his, and during the few short times he had seen her in sickbay, she had behaved distantly – icily, even. It couldn’t go on.

****

After a longer than usual shift, Janeway finally agreed to go back to her quarters. She yielded only because all the alpha shift had refused to leave the bridge if she remained. Muttering “I could have you all court-martialled”, she made her way to the turbolift. She stopped in front of Harry Kim, whose eyes were firmly riveted on his screen. Harry, however, was no match for the Janeway stare.

“Mr. Kim?”

He straightened up instinctively and all but jumped to attention. He couldn’t read the undertone in his captain’s voice. She sounded so stern… Almost angry. As they eyes met, he saw deep despair in her eyes.

“Ma’am?”

“Thank you.” Almost a command.

He nodded in reply and she added: “Carry on.” He bent down on his console again and she turned towards the turbolift.

****

After four days of awkward silence and curt orders, Chakotay couldn’t take it anymore. The whole crew was walking on eggshells. He knew Tuvok had tried to get through to the captain and had been sharply rebuffed. Time he made his own attempt.

“Come in.”

Listless. Tired. But at least she had let him in. He stood near the door for a few minutes until she turned towards him. She had shed her uniform and the soft grey tunic she wore underlined every sharp bone of her upper body. Her soft curves were now all angles and her hair hung limply around her still emaciated face.

“Kathryn…”

“Commander.”

Not an invitation, but he would have to take it. He strode forward and faced her. When he tried to put his hand on her arm, she recoiled and winced. He saw her struggle with herself, her command mask absent, her emotions palpable.

“Kathryn – let me help you. Please.”

“You can’t. No one can.” Flat. An edge of anger.

This time, he did not hesitate. He extended his arms, and wrapped her in an embrace. He felt her stiffen at first and then her whole body relaxed. She laid her head on his chest and started to weep. He held her close, stroking her back, encouraging her to let go. He went to the sofa, still holding her and manoeuvred her on his knees. He had always imagined she would fit in his arms, and indeed she did- a frail bundle who was sobbing out the past weeks. When she stopped crying, gulping several times to regain her calm, they remained in silence for a while.

Janeway swallowed hard several times and disengaged herself from Chakotay’s arms, opting to sit besides him.

“I’m sorry”, she murmured, wiping her eyes on her sleeve like a child. “I’m so sorry for breaking down like that. You shouldn’t have to see that – as well. I’m a poor example of a captain.”

He looked at her with reproach: “For once, could you stop being a captain? You’re a human being, Kathryn – who’s been through hell. Could you accept that, and accept that you’re not alone? That you don’t have to bear everything by yourself?”

He almost didn’t hear her next words.

“But I am – alone…You wouldn’t want me if you knew…”

Then she bit her lips, realising too late she had said too much. She had taken that conversation onto an intimate path she had intended to leave well alone.

Chakotay gently took her chin in his hands, started to speak, thought the better of it, caressed her cheek with his fingers and reached for her mouth. A soft kiss, a gentle kiss, meeting with little resistance. Her lips softened under his and she reached for him too, as if she was drowning.

But she couldn’t – he was her first officer, she was the captain. She wanted him, but duty came first.

“Chakotay… We can’t.” Such hard words to say – she had to wrench them from her heart, and they took part of herself with them.

He kissed her again, lightly, fleetingly, and looked at her, his dark eyes reading into her soul.

“I know. I know you too well, Kathryn, and I understand. Nothing – there is nothing that could make me change what I think of you. Please believe that. I’ll wait, Kathryn – and when we’re no longer on this ship – when you’ve brought us back home – I’ll still be there for you.”

She laughed then, a little sadly, but it was still a laugh: “That’s why you’re a great first officer, Chakotay – your boundless confidence in your captain’s abilities.”

“Aye, aye, Captain.” He smiled and was rewarded by a full-on smile, one Janeway rarely bestowed upon anyone, but which could light up a small planet when she did. She reached out slowly and their fingers entwined. It would have to be enough. And for the moment, it was.


End file.
